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I lived across the street from this kid named Chris.  He was a year older than me.  Chris was one of those guys who you'd watch doing something to a person and think to yourself, "I can't believe that anyone can be so cruel and evil!" 

Then you'd feel guilty because you couldn't stop laughing. 

[Pig Rodeo]This guy did things to drunken women that I'm pretty sure I can go to jail for just knowing about. 

When he was in his college fraternity he came up with a game called "Pig Rodeo." The pledge would have to crawl up behind a girl on his hands and knees (preferably in a very public place). He'd grab her by both ankles so she couldn't go anywhere, and then BITE HER ON THE BUTT and try to hold on for as long as possible. Just coming up with this wasn't bad enough, Chris had to be the first to do it!  I guess that the girl tried to get away and fell over. There was a big deal about her skinning her knee and whether or not it was considered "assault." 

In the end, Chris got off with a slap on the wrist.  He was supposed to pick up trash for a few days on the campus. He never did. 

It's knowing guys like Chris that make me glad that I don't have a daughter and fearful that my son could turn out to be like him someday. 


Chris's mother is the angriest, cruelest person I've ever met.  She's an old-school Italian from Long Island. Her accent was so abrasive that she could actually make other people from Long Island say, "Jesus Christ, that's an obnoxious accent!"  You could walk by their house at any time of the day and hear her screaming at Chris, the dog, the parrot, or her husband. "Chris, you SHIT!  I nevah liked you!  I wish that you wa' nevah born!"

Needless to say, Chris didn't love his mommy very much.

Aside from verbal assaults, Chris's mom was also an accomplished chain smoker. I think that it is for that reason that Chris has always been so turned off by women who smoke.... or women in general...

My neighborhood was about a mile up the road from a dairy farm.  With the cornfields scattered around the neighborhood and the fertilizer trucks driving to and from them, we were never at a loss for cow shit. Anytime you needed it, you could pretty much walk out to the road and there'd be at least a half dozen cowpies recently shaken loose from one of the vehicles.

One fine summer day, Chris and I were torturing bugs or lighting something on fire when he decided that he wanted to play a joke on his mom.  Knowing Chris, I realized that whatever he had in mind could easily result in her death and I wanted no part in it.  Chris was on his own.

He walked up the road with a piece of paper and returned with a small piece of cow crap in it.  I think that he said something to the effect of: "I found a nice fresh one!  She's gonna looooove this!"

That night, Chris took one of his mother's cigarettes while she had gone off to yell at her husband, the "fucking dog," or the "fucking bird."  In his room, amidst the "Hustler" magazines and mounds of illegal fireworks, he emptied the contents and carefully packed the bottom portion of the cigarette with the fresh cow shit, then filled in the rest with tobacco.

Chris then replaced the cigarette in the package and sat on the floor to play some video games in the living room. He could see his mother's reflection in the television as she lit up her next cig. He wasn't sure when his mother was going to "hit the jackpot", so Chris didn't get too excited right away. According to Chris, a few minutes later: "I heard my mother gag, and the smell hit me.  I could literally taste it.  I fell back on the floor and peed my pants laughing!"

She snuffed the cigarette out and croaked "YOU FUCKAH!"  She ran upstairs coughing and gagging as Chris tried desperately to catch his breath.

I don't believe that I saw Chris again for the rest of that summer....


So, Chris is the ripe old age of twelve and as disgusting and rebellious as one can be at that age. Each year, his parents try to get a little bit of peace by sending him away. Each year, he gets himself kicked out of camp earlier.

Chris comes over to my house the day before they send him away and tells me that he's going for an all-time record at being sent home early. "Four days," he says.

So, he gets there and plans his strategy. What better way to get the proverbial boot than to target the camp owner and his grandsons, who happen to be spending the summer at the camp that year?

DAY 1:
Chris first learns that the old man is incontinent and has to take a dump every hour on the hour. Our hero then proceeds to steal every roll of toilet paper in the camp and store it under his bed.

Later that day, the kids have thrown a rope up over a high tree branch and have tied a portion of it so that you could put your foot in it, be hoisted up, and swing. One of the owner's grandkids (the younger one who's about 8) lets Chris hoist him about 25 feet up. Chris then proceeds to tie the other end of the rope to a tree and leave for lunch. The kid was stuck up there for something like two hours before someone heard him screaming for help.

That night, Chris employed a couple of his friends to cover the older grandkid with shaving cream while he slept. Chris stood over the kid with a giant-sized tube of Crest toothpaste aimed at his face in case he woke up. Of course, the kid opened his eyes and FFFFFFTTTTT! Chris squirts about a quart of the stuff right in little Johnnie's face.

DAY 2:
Chris moons a camp counselor.

That night, he and his buddies pick the younger grandkid's cot up (while he sleeps) and place the kid and his cot in the middle of a stream. The stream is about fifteen feet wide and the water comes up to within an inch of the top of the cot. Stuart wakes up the next morning thinking he wet the bed really bad.

DAY 3:
Chris goes home. A new record!


There was a party up the road from our house. Chris ran into the cornfield across the street and grabbed a whole bunch of cow crap and dropped it into the front seat of a Nova that was parked across the street from the field.

When the guy (probably 17 or 18) came out and found it, Chris (12 at the time) stood just far enough in the field so that the guy couldn't see him. As soon as the guy said something to one of his friends, Chris started going "HA! HA! HA!"

The guy turns toward the field and says "Who is that?!?"

"HA! HA! HAAA!"

"Did you put the shit in my car?!?!?!?"

"HA! HA! HAAA!"

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"HA! HA! HAAAA!"

"Come out here!"

"HA! HA! HAAAAAAA!"

It went on like this for about twenty minutes. Chris knew that this guy, as "tough" as he was, wasn't wandering into a dark cornfield on a country road late at night. He said that the dude was so mad that he looked like he was going to convulse. Eventually the guy jumped into his shit covered Nova, peeled out, and took off.

HA! HA! HAAAA!


Okay, so, Chris is in college and is really pissed about his girlfriend breaking up with him. He decides to sit around the dorm and get trashed.

A couple of hours later, a few of his friends show up to take him to a party that they just heard about. They get to the party and realize that it's in somebody's dorm room. The place is packed and Chris climbs up onto the top bunk bed and looks over the party. A hot-looking girl sits up there with him and they start to talk.

At this point, Chris was getting into a better mood. He started to drink the punch... ohhhhhh, the punch! What he didn't know was that it was spiked with grain alcohol.

Without any warning, Chris projectile PUKES off the bed and all over the crowd of people in the room. The girl looks at Chris and PUKES out onto the horrified crowd, herself.

People, covered in puke, run screaming (and puking) out of the room.

Needless to say, he wasn't invited to too many other parties that year.


Chris and his friend are hanging out in the local mall on a Friday night.  Chris just sat down in the food court with a plate of pie from, appropriately enough, the Pie Plate. He's eating his pie and watching people walk by.

A couple of decent-looking girls walk by and Chris kind of follows them with his eyes.  I guess he didn't realize that he was staring.  One of the girls turns around and says "What are you looking at!"  (My friends in Connecticut know this response, it's a favorite among the intellectual mall crowd there.)  Chris just shrugs and goes back to eating his pie.

A few minutes later, Chris looks up and his eyes happen to fall on the glass elevator which is going up to the second floor.  The two girls happened to be in the elevator.  When they catch sight of Chris, the bitchy one flips him the bird and mouths "Fuck you!"

Chris turns to his friend and says "OOOOOOOH! That's it!"  (This is usually the part where Chris' friends get very nervous.)  Chris walks over to the Pie Plate and orders another piece of pie.  He tells his friend to follow him upstairs.

They start to follow the girls, hanging back so as not to be noticed.  Chris acts like he's eating the pie.  Finally, the girls start to walk out toward the parking garage exit.  At the last moment, they decide against it when they see Chris and his buddy following them.

The girls turn around and walk back toward the mall.  They have no other option but to pass Chris.  Just as they get up to them, the girl, embarrassed, smiles and says "Hi" to Chris.  Chris' response? "This is for YOU!" ...as he shoves the pie up into her face and twists it.  The plate falls away and her face is covered save for the three holes for her eyes and mouth (pie hole).  It even got in her hair, which I suspect was long and feathered being that they were in Connecticut and in the 80's.  They best part is that the girls were on the second floor of the mall and were nowhere near a rest room.

 

 
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