I lived across the street from this
kid named Chris. He was a year older than me. Chris
was one of those guys who you'd watch doing something to a
person and think to yourself, "I can't believe that anyone
can be so cruel and evil!"
Then you'd feel guilty because
you couldn't stop laughing.
guy did things to drunken women that I'm pretty sure I
can go to jail for just knowing about.
When he was in his college
fraternity he came up with a game called "Pig Rodeo."
The pledge would have to crawl up behind a girl on his hands and
knees (preferably in a very public place). He'd grab her by both
ankles so she couldn't go anywhere, and then BITE HER ON THE
BUTT and try to hold on for as long as possible. Just coming up
with this wasn't bad enough, Chris had to be the first to do
it! I guess that the girl tried to get away and fell over.
There was a big deal about her skinning her knee and whether or
not it was considered "assault."
In the end, Chris got off with a
slap on the wrist. He was supposed to pick up trash for a
few days on the campus. He never did.
It's knowing guys like Chris that
make me glad that I don't have a daughter and fearful that my
son could turn out to be like him someday.
Chris's mother is the angriest,
cruelest person I've ever met. She's an old-school Italian
from Long Island. Her accent was so abrasive that she could
actually make other people from Long Island say, "Jesus
Christ, that's an obnoxious accent!" You could walk
by their house at any time of the day and hear her screaming at
Chris, the dog, the parrot, or her husband. "Chris, you
SHIT! I nevah liked you! I wish that you wa' nevah
Needless to say, Chris didn't
love his mommy very much.
Aside from verbal assaults,
Chris's mom was also an accomplished chain smoker. I think that
it is for that reason that Chris has always been so turned off
by women who smoke.... or women in general...
My neighborhood was about a mile
up the road from a dairy farm. With the cornfields
scattered around the neighborhood and the fertilizer trucks
driving to and from them, we were never at a loss for cow shit.
Anytime you needed it, you could pretty much walk out to the
road and there'd be at least a half dozen cowpies recently
shaken loose from one of the vehicles.
One fine summer day, Chris and I
were torturing bugs or lighting something on fire when he
decided that he wanted to play a joke on his mom. Knowing
Chris, I realized that whatever he had in mind could easily
result in her death and I wanted no part in it. Chris was
on his own.
He walked up the road with a
piece of paper and returned with a small piece of cow crap in
it. I think that he said something to the effect of:
"I found a nice fresh one! She's gonna looooove
That night, Chris took one of his
mother's cigarettes while she had gone off to yell at her
husband, the "fucking dog," or the "fucking
bird." In his room, amidst the "Hustler"
magazines and mounds of illegal fireworks, he emptied the
contents and carefully packed the bottom portion of the
cigarette with the fresh cow shit, then filled in the rest with
Chris then replaced the cigarette
in the package and sat on the floor to play some video games in
the living room. He could see his mother's reflection in the
television as she lit up her next cig. He wasn't sure when his
mother was going to "hit the jackpot", so Chris didn't
get too excited right away. According to Chris, a few minutes
later: "I heard my mother gag, and the smell hit me.
I could literally taste it. I fell back on the floor and
peed my pants laughing!"
She snuffed the cigarette out and
croaked "YOU FUCKAH!" She ran upstairs coughing
and gagging as Chris tried desperately to catch his breath.
I don't believe that I saw Chris
again for the rest of that summer....
So, Chris is the ripe old age of
twelve and as disgusting and rebellious as one can be at that
age. Each year, his parents try to get a little bit of peace by
sending him away. Each year, he gets himself kicked out of camp
Chris comes over to my house the
day before they send him away and tells me that he's going for
an all-time record at being sent home early. "Four days," he
So, he gets there and plans his
strategy. What better way to get the proverbial boot than to
target the camp owner and his grandsons, who happen to be
spending the summer at the camp that year?
Chris first learns that the old man is incontinent and has to
take a dump every hour on the hour. Our hero then proceeds to
steal every roll of toilet paper in the camp and store it under
Later that day, the kids have
thrown a rope up over a high tree branch and have tied a portion
of it so that you could put your foot in it, be hoisted up, and
swing. One of the owner's grandkids (the younger one who's about
8) lets Chris hoist him about 25 feet up. Chris then proceeds to
tie the other end of the rope to a tree and leave for lunch. The
kid was stuck up there for something like two hours before
someone heard him screaming for help.
That night, Chris employed a
couple of his friends to cover the older grandkid with shaving
cream while he slept. Chris stood over the kid with a
giant-sized tube of Crest toothpaste aimed at his face in case
he woke up. Of course, the kid opened his eyes and FFFFFFTTTTT!
Chris squirts about a quart of the stuff right in little
Chris moons a camp counselor.
That night, he and his buddies
pick the younger grandkid's cot up (while he sleeps) and place
the kid and his cot in the middle of a stream. The stream is
about fifteen feet wide and the water comes up to within an inch
of the top of the cot. Stuart wakes up the next morning thinking
he wet the bed really bad.
Chris goes home. A new record!
There was a party up the road
from our house. Chris ran into the cornfield across the street
and grabbed a whole bunch of cow crap and dropped it into the
front seat of a Nova that was parked across the street from the
When the guy (probably 17 or 18)
came out and found it, Chris (12 at the time) stood just far
enough in the field so that the guy couldn't see him. As soon as
the guy said something to one of his friends, Chris started
going "HA! HA! HA!"
The guy turns toward the field
and says "Who is that?!?"
"HA! HA! HAAA!"
"Did you put the shit in my
"HA! HA! HAAA!"
"I'm gonna kick your
"HA! HA! HAAAA!"
"Come out here!"
"HA! HA! HAAAAAAA!"
It went on like this for about
twenty minutes. Chris knew that this guy, as "tough"
as he was, wasn't wandering into a dark cornfield on a country
road late at night. He said that the dude was so mad that he
looked like he was going to convulse. Eventually the guy jumped
into his shit covered Nova, peeled out, and took off.
HA! HA! HAAAA!
Okay, so, Chris is in college and
is really pissed about his girlfriend breaking up with him. He
decides to sit around the dorm and get trashed.
A couple of hours later, a few of
his friends show up to take him to a party that they just heard
about. They get to the party and realize that it's in somebody's
dorm room. The place is packed and Chris climbs up onto the top
bunk bed and looks over the party. A hot-looking girl sits up
there with him and they start to talk.
At this point, Chris was getting
into a better mood. He started to drink the punch... ohhhhhh,
the punch! What he didn't know was that it was spiked with grain
Without any warning, Chris
projectile PUKES off the bed and all over the crowd of people in
the room. The girl looks at Chris and PUKES out onto the
horrified crowd, herself.
People, covered in puke, run
screaming (and puking) out of the room.
Needless to say, he wasn't
invited to too many other parties that year.
Chris and his friend are hanging
out in the local mall on a Friday night. Chris just sat
down in the food court with a plate of pie from, appropriately
enough, the Pie Plate. He's eating his pie and watching people
A couple of decent-looking girls
walk by and Chris kind of follows them with his eyes. I
guess he didn't realize that he was staring. One of the
girls turns around and says "What are you looking at!" (My
friends in Connecticut know this response, it's a favorite among
the intellectual mall crowd there.) Chris just shrugs and goes
back to eating his pie.
A few minutes later, Chris looks
up and his eyes happen to fall on the glass elevator which is
going up to the second floor. The two girls happened to be
in the elevator. When they catch sight of Chris, the
bitchy one flips him the bird and mouths "Fuck you!"
Chris turns to his friend and
says "OOOOOOOH! That's it!" (This is usually the part
where Chris' friends get very nervous.) Chris walks over
to the Pie Plate and orders another piece of pie. He tells
his friend to follow him upstairs.
They start to follow the girls,
hanging back so as not to be noticed. Chris acts like he's
eating the pie. Finally, the girls start to walk out
toward the parking garage exit. At the last moment, they
decide against it when they see Chris and his buddy following
The girls turn around and walk
back toward the mall. They have no other option but to
pass Chris. Just as they get up to them, the girl,
embarrassed, smiles and says "Hi" to Chris. Chris'
response? "This is for YOU!" ...as he shoves the pie
up into her face and twists it. The plate falls away and
her face is covered save for the three holes for her eyes and
mouth (pie hole). It even got in her hair, which I suspect
was long and feathered being that they were in Connecticut and
in the 80's. They best part is that the girls were on the
second floor of the mall and were nowhere near a rest room.