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A few years back it was coming up on
Halloween. This was during my lonely, single years, and I was
hanging out with my female friend. She is very hot, and there
was always a sexual tension when we got together, but we had
never got involved other than her letting me masturbate in a
dark room while she sat on the other end of the bed. Hey, it was
company.
So we're out getting pumpkins so
we can carve jack-o-lanterns and roast pumpkin seeds. It's
beautiful New England fall weather; warm during the day, crisp
and cool at night. We had left the pumpkins outside for the
afternoon, and when we went to carve them, I noticed how warm
they were inside. Reaching around inside, pulling out the
innards, I commented to my friend about how much the warmth, gooeyness,
and fibrous strands reminded me of a female vagina. We made some
jokes about screwing food, the old George Carlin line about the
FDA coming after you if you fuck food, etc. But the idea
wouldn't leave my mind.
So I set aside a generous portion
of the guts (sans seeds) in a bowl and put it near the fire we
had going in the fireplace. We proceeded to cook a wonderful
dinner, enjoy the evening, and consume copious amounts of
alcohol.
As it starts getting late, she
asks me when I'm going to use my new-found sex toy. I ask her if
she'll join me, for scientific research purposes, and she says
"of course!" So I take my bowl of warm pumpkin innards
into the bedroom, get undressed, put a towel down on the bed,
and off go the lights.
And I gotta tell you, it was
fantastic. Basically, without going into lots of detail since
this isn't Penthouse Forum... using two hands to hold the stuff,
I basically did a two-hand technique. The sensation was great,
the similarity as I predicted. It made a mess, and I got off
wonderfully; my friend chuckled good naturedly, and before I
knew it, I passed out, wonderfully spent and pleasantly
intoxicated.
My friend left a short while
later. I woke up in the morning, finding the oddest bedfellow
ever; a small amount of drying, sticky, stinky pumpkin matter
about my groin and bed. I pulled myself out of bed, cleaned up,
went into the shower.
And that's when the burning
began. I don't know what the chemical is in pumpkins that causes
skin rash and irritation, but the shower didn't help and the
burning lasted nearly a week. My friend laughed her ass off when
I told her, and doubled over when I mentioned I was also stained
orange down there.
I did fire an email off to JackinWorld.com
as a warning, but they never printed it. The irritation went
away, I made a full recovery, and I never drank and seduced
produce again.
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