I got a call from an old friend from
school and she said that she had a story for me.
She and her fiancé were at a
restaurant the other night. She went to the front to get a
drink from the bar while they waited for their table. At
the bar was this guy who was 6'4" tall and about 350 pounds -
one hundred of that was in his gut and another hundred in his
ass. He had shoulder length hair which was parted in the
middle and feathered on both sides and was wearing a tight green
shirt with bright blue Jordache jeans and a pair of those big
old Jewish lady from Miami sunglasses. He was holding a
stack of local "alternative" newspapers and asking the bartender
where she wanted him to put them.
In a very effeminate voice, he
said "I'm thupposed to deliver theth and I don't know where to
put them." The bartender rolled her eyes and told him that
she didn't know either, so he said, "I'm waiting for thome
friendth tho I'll justht walk around and you can let me know
when you find out."
My friend goes back to find her
fiancé who is now seated. While they wait to order, the
guy walks by them about five times - still holding the stack of
papers and is looking around for his "friendth." After he
passes for the fifth time, my friend's fiancé dabs a bit of sour
cream on the side of his mouth and says to him, "Here I am!"
A few minutes later, her fiancé
stares straight past her and says, completely deadpan, "His
friends are here." She says "How do you kno---" Just then,
the guy walks by followed by two obviously gay midget men (one
with a bleached blonde pixie cut and the other a weight lifter
in his gym clothes) and a "huge fucking bull dyke."
My friend's fiancé just stares
straight at her with the deadpan look on his face, this only
makes things worse. She knows that she can't laugh because
it's way two obvious what you're laughing about when two gay
midgets walk past you. She said, "You ever laugh so hard
that you cry? Well, I skipped the whole laughing part and
just burst into tears. They're streaming down my face and
I'm stuffing a napkin into my mouth so I don't make any odd
Her fiancé continues to stare at
her the whole time trying to make her crack. He does not
succeed. She said that she got into the car and the first
thing she said was she had to call me. "His reaction is
going to be, 'That's fucking awesome!'"